12 June 2008
An easy way to visualise how behaviours increase with time and how habits are gradaully created..
One of the areas that I come across time and time again when coaching executives directors and managers is a way of describing to people how negative behavioural traits build up over time. I use what I call the Bucket seesaw, which basically consists of a simple seesaw with a bucket on each end. One is labelled positive affirmations and other labelled negative affirmations. The seesaw by the way is rather a rusty one and therefore is not sensitive to small changes.
When we are born the seesaw is in the horizontal position with each bucket empty, but gradually one of these buckets becomes fuller than the other as a result of the way we are treated by well-meaning parents, grandparents, friends, teachers and everybody that we come into contact with. Positive affirmations like happy memories, love and support go into the positive bucket and negative, criticizing, angry comments and punishment go into the negative bucket.
By the age of two or three one of these buckets is full enough to trip the seesaw into either a positive or a negative view of the world and unless someone close to the child is very aware of what is going on, this view of the world will harden overtime unless the nurturing changes.
This positive or negative view of the world is formed from a whole range of different perspectives with the Bucket seesaw operating in different ways depending upon who or what is present - different people, different environments, different stimuli, different situations, etc. The end result is that one could be positive - outspoken, extrovert, playful, happy - at school but negative – quiet, reserved, sad - home or vice versa.
The hardening of one’s view of the world becomes stronger and stronger with time and I have coached and mentored many people whose negative view of the world is in direct contradiction to the core natural positive behaviours they had at birth. This contradiction is very much apparent in creative people, who were unable to follow their natural default to music or art or gardening or any creativity because they were forced by financial circumstances or by their parents to do something that was far more viable in terms of earning power. For an example I have come across accountants who wanted to be writers and solicitors who have amazing artistic talent and sales people who just want to write books.
My job as a coach or mentor is to identify first of all the contradiction, which by the way invariably causes in explicable poor behaviour of frustration and anger and then explain how it can be changed by adopting a process that fills the positive bucket. This involves the use of affirmations by oneself – see three suggestions on http://www.coachinginsight.co.uk/content/category/12/83/42/ - but also crucially involves a need to change the negative environment that you find yourself in for a positive one. It is very important to get around positive supportive people rather than negative, victim type people who sap the energy from you. Unfortunately human beings are creatures of habit and often we are attracted to the environment and to people that do us no good, purely by habit rather more than by desire. This attraction is because we are attracted to what we recognize and are used to, which of course has got nothing to do with it being the right sort of environment for us.
Depending on how big the negative bucket is, depends on how much time is going to be needed to fill up the positive bucket and thereby flicking the behavioural view of the world to a positive perspective. A long and hardened lifetime of negative support and hard graft, which might have involved forcing core natural behaviours underground, will require lots of patience, coaching and therapy to make the necessary changes.
Often a trigger point occurred in people's lives that started the whole process off and I have had a number of clients who changed their view of the world very quickly once they realised that they were dealing with their adult world with the behaviour created when they were a very young child. Invariably this sort of work needs to be supported by an external person, like a trained coach or therapist rather than somebody who is emotionally involved.
There are a number of books worth reading to gain more insight, including:
“Games People Play” – this is the book to start you off on people’s actions and what the words and tone really mean that we use and hear every minute of the day by Eric Berne
“I’m OK you’re OK” – this book covers the basics Transactional Analysis and why we behave like we do starting at the cot and going on from there. It deals with the Parent- Adult – Child states, how they are formed at childhood and carried into adult life, often with dramatic and painful results. Very readable and hugely insightful by Thomas Harris ISBN 0-09-955241-8
“You can Heal your Life” – this book has some amazing affirmations that will help you change to way you feel, think and see yourself. You will become more positive in though word and deed by Louise Hay ISBN: 093761101-8
©William Barron
Coaching Insight
william@creatinginsight.co.uk
June 2008
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