10 February 2007
Swans and Boundaries
I was chatting to my own coach the other day about CRAGs – Carbon Reducing Action Groups – more about this later – and I said that I need to go and write an article on boundaries, using swans as a metaphor. So much for getting away as it started an even longer conversation about parallels.
Anyway, I live alongside the River Thames and it’s lovely to hear it gurgling to itself as it flows past. I take my mug of tea out and wander along its banks looking at the ducks, swans and geese, occasionally feeding them. One thing that has always impressed me, like countless others down the ages, is the elegance and beauty that is epitomised in a swan; its elegant neck, the powerful wings, the sereness of its stare, the calmness of its presence and the graceful curves of its folded wings.
Well there is a pair of swans, who mate for life apparently, living on the stretch of river between the bridge that carries the A4 to Slough and the most beautiful arching railway bridge built by Isambard Brunel, called incidentally the Sounding Bridge. Suddenly all hell let loose and these two beautiful serene swans were taking off after two other swans that had dared to enter their territory. The invaders were seen off past the A4 bridge and calmness descended to the river.
I instantly thought of “boundaries” and since then I have been watching these two when I’m out. They accept gulls, ducks, geese and pigeons on their patch but not other swans and they work as a team when patrolling the area i.e. taking it in turn to lead and follow.
The clearer the boundary the calmer the person is, as they are sure of where they are, who they are, what they are and don’t have to keep on making up their own rules. Think about children: when their boundaries are uncertain or ever-changing it can lead to bad behaviour and – in the long-term – low self esteem.
In the workplace, when we’re constantly being told that we must continually deal with change this throws into doubt the issues of clearly defined boundaries and certainly muddies the water in management terms. People lose the ability to identify boundaries and as a result can become angry and frustrated at worst and at best less productive.
The more well-defined the boundary the easier it is to see when the threshold has been crossed. For example, if you have said that you can’t work late one particular evening and someone asks you to start a job that takes you beyond a certain time then you know that the boundary is being pushed.
When people try to cross the threshold of a boundary there are tell-tale signs: voices change in tone, they become uncertain, blotches can appear on their neck and they go red as they realise that they are going too far.
At times vigorous action is needed to register with others where one stands. Very often people do not understand the word “no” and it is almost as if their life is about pushing other people’s boundaries for fun just to see if they give, to see how robust they are and if they do give way how much they can get away with. Quite remarkable and in cases like this a very robust signal is needed.
People with strong boundaries – you know where you stand with these people – are respected more by others, as they know where they stand. Again this makes so much sense in that everybody knows where they stand and life is so much easier when you know where you stand. It’s easier for making decisions, for requesting, for prioritising, for planning and for everything.
To help identify and reinforce your own boundaries – staking your claim – become aware of your language. Stop using weak verbs and sentences that contain things like “I hope”, “I think”, “might be”, “should happen”, “could occur”, “but on the other hand,” “possibly yes”, “not sure about that”, “maybe not”. All of these give rise to doubts as to where the boundary is.
Be aware of your tone and keep it steady. Keep away from the questioning or querying tone that automatically gives the game away. If necessary stop, clear your throat, apologise and start again.
Keep your volume up. Research demonstrates that low voices indicate that people are uncertain about what they are saying. Again if you find you are wavering stop, apologise for the “frog in your throat” and start again.
Hold yourself up straight. I am constantly amazed the difference to my resolve when I stand up straight or just hold my head up. The world seems to take on a completely different aspect and if I am talking it certainly allows my vocal chords to operate properly. Don’t forget to take deep breaths: it is so much better, firmer and more assertive to say what you want to say in one hit rather than having to stop what you are saying due to lack of air
Finally in order to feel inside what you are saying outside, carry out a quick check on how you are feeling about the situation. Easier said than done I know but if it feels OK go with it, if it feels “Not OK” then say so. Remember if the swans can protect their stretch of river then you can protect your values and your integrity. When you see a pair of swans, watch how elegant and strong they are. You will be as strong and as elegant with strong boundaries.
©William Barron
Creating Insight
william@creatinginsight.co.uk
February 10 2007
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