Working as a business coach and mentor in the Midlands and London, I see the results of people who unwittingly have been involved in the Drama Triangle as either the Persecutor, the Victim or the Rescuer. This article explains what it is, how people get sucked into it and what the repercussions are. The art of living is to remain outside the triangle as a calm, cool adult and suggestions are included as to how to maintain this equilibrium.

After reading this tip sheet, you will:

• have an excellent understanding about what constitutes the three points of the triangle – Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer
• know what to look for and hear in ordinary conversation
• be able to offer neutral observations to help people who are stuck in one of the positions
• be able to take sentences out of conversations and translate then into a different perspective
• understand what to say to children and adults who exhibit drama triangle tendencies
• see how you can change your own behaviour as hear yourself enter into the Drama Triangle

Drama Triangle - Lynne McWinnie

First draw a triangle. At each point put one of the following capital letters: P (Persecutor) R (Rescuer) V (Victim). Then consider your preferred role as you read on…...

The roles of P, R and V in the context of this triangle are inauthentic roles – a ‘game’ that compromises our well-being. These roles are manifestations of the emotional behaviours that people unconsciously adopt in their interactions with others. Playing any of these roles does not facilitate or encourage emotionally healthy relationships. We can also move around the triangle without directly engaging someone else.

While we may at times play each role in turn, we usually have a preferred role in so far as it being the behaviours that we most closely align to when, for example, in a stressful situation. So if you are in P it therefore means we look for someone to step into the role of V and a third person may then take up the role of R. Although two people can interact and either stay fixed in their roles or switch back and forth using all 3 roles at different moments of the interaction. And it can all happen very quickly!

For each of the roles there are some easily identifiable favoured phrases, which can help ourselves and others be aware of what role we are in, and which role we may find ourselves stepping into as we play the triangle drama.

Persecutor - catchphrase: “You are useless and it’s all your own fault”

Behaviours & attitudes:

• Will achieve inner peace by battling with others
• Isolated by own attitudes/behaviours
• They are right and others are wrong
• Rarely sees shades of grey
• Defensive/aggressive if challenged – can be passive or active
• Difficult to accept personal responsibility for anything going wrong
• Needs to be right

Victim – catchphrase: “I’m helpless and hopeless. Tell me what to do”

Behaviours & attitudes:

• Often responds with: “ yes, but…”
• Leaves others frustrated/exhausted in their efforts to help
• Limited emotional investment in changing
• Resistant to accepting personal responsibility
• Blames others for their own situation
• Limited self-awareness
• Needs to be heard

Rescuer - catchphrase: “I’ll do it and help you as you cannot help yourself”

Behaviours & attitudes:

• Their enabling can become disabling for others
• Exhausted by their efforts expended on behalf of others
• Pays little attention to own needs
• Can be a martyr to their causes
• Self-recrimination if no doing/being enough
• Tries to mediate but can end up on the receiving end
• Needs to feel needed

With greater self-awareness we can change our emotional responses and step off the triangle into a place of balance, which offers greater emotional wisdom and the potential to transform negative belief and behavioural patterns into, amongst other things, positive self-regard.

Being more self-aware means we are less likely to get unconsciously caught in the triangle that other people are acting out, and so not get hooked into playing a role in their ‘drama’. And if we do get caught, we can recognise what is going on, and make an informed choice about reclaiming the place of balance.

Balanced person (off the triangle)

Behaviours & attitudes:

• Can articulate how things are without blaming or shaming
• Is aware and kind without placating the other person
• Is not wearing a mask or hiding behind a smile, glazed look, blank stare or indifference

..and is able to:

• Distance oneself but still be in touch with own feelings
• Stay centred and balanced
• Be honest and authentic in their communication
• Inform others about their needs, wants, sensations, desires and visions
• Be flexible (rather than fixed or rigid)
• Maintain a sense of self even though the outcome may be rejection (it’s not personal!)
• Assert oneself without overpowering the other person

10 Tips for maintaining balance:

1. Do not allow yourself to feel pressured (by self or others) to respond
2. You don’t have to decide, talk, fix, hug, smile or advise until you are ready and focused
3. Be clear about your time, don’t respond or react impulsively
4. Be self-aware and regularly check which role you are playing and recognise what is happening
5. You can always let go of your investment in being on the triangle. You can always change you
6. Ask permission to raise issues
7. Be specific and clear about what you want
8. Reinforce the other person’s strengths
9. Recognise the role you are playing from your own posture, attitude and responses and learn to reframe your role
10. Learn to enjoy being in a place of balance.

Key things to remember:

• Trying to change someone else means you are not working on your own issues. We each have to take responsibility for changing ourselves.
• Change will only occur in direct correlation to our personal emotional investment in change.